


Taste

by AliceWasAsleep, Brawness



Category: Winner (Band)
Genre: Angst, Heavy Angst, M/M, What Have I Done
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-04
Updated: 2019-05-04
Packaged: 2020-02-21 16:09:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,294
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18705754
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AliceWasAsleep/pseuds/AliceWasAsleep, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Brawness/pseuds/Brawness
Summary: He was an angel. The first touch of his hand made my heart go mad. I felt like a small child, felt home when I can't put it into words yet.





	Taste

 

You'll know what six years mean if you were me. Would you like to have a taste? You don't taste it with your tongue though, you taste it with your being. With your sanity. With your heartbeat.

 

Would you like to have a taste?

 

Get your chest ready because it's the first thing that will hurt. Then it will be worse, and worse, and worse. You'd think you've reached the climax but no. There is no climax. It will only go up and up, no promise death can stop it either. Then it will reach your head. Mad headache and dizziness. You won't understand gravity anymore because you'd feel like flying most of the time. Then you fall so hard, a way for the earth to remind you that you are very much alive. And you must sit through this nonsense hellish pain. Until you stop the spin of your world.

 

Please, please have a taste. Take it from me. Take it all away. I'd take ignorance over this anytime. Please.

 

I can't do this.

 

 

 

 

\----

All I heard from the vow was, "do you accept him?"

 

_I do._

 

I accept this man. All about him. He smiled at my answer. As if he Haven't heard my feelings for a thousand times before.

 

 

 

\----

 

 

"Do you have any idea... How much I love you?" I said. His heart raced under my touch, I can feel the life in him stir. My husband.

 

"I've been trying so hard to show you. But I don't know if you can really feel it the way I do." I stroke the small curve of his lips.

 

"God, I love you so much" I whispered.

 

"I love you too," he whispered "and it will stay that way."

 

I was a finished puzzle. Ready to present myself to the world as a beautiful piece of picture. With all of my dream and hopes in it. He found me, that man. Made me a personal heaven to live in.

 

 

\----

 

"Should we try?" He asked.

 

"We don't 'try' things like this, Seunghoon. We need to make sure we're ready. We need to make sure everything is perfect. I won't settle for anything less."

 

He smiled, looking down at the ring in his finger and strokes it like he always did. An identical ring to mine.

 

"Yeah. You're right. I might need more time- I don't think... I still need much to prepare." He said with a sigh. I smiled. He was ready. Everything about him was perfect for it. The only thing he needed was more self-trust.

 

"Take your time. We'll learn together," I said, taking his hand to mine and give it a strong squeeze.

 

 

\----

 

I thought I've seen it all. I've seen every single layer of our fragile, faulted humanity. I thought I've conquered every single humane bad trait we both share. Little did I know that the layers were never-ending. The layers in our soul and personality grow with us. You'll never see the end of it.

 

 

\----

 

Year 1

 

We both share a thumping core, coming to the orphanage with an expecting heart. People with more experience kept saying, you'll feel it. A spark. Just like when you fall in love.

 

Seunghoon saw him first. A boy. Patiently helping a younger girl to use chopsticks. First time, it seemed. The girl looked like she's on the verge of getting annoyed and cry, but the sweet boy talked in such a mature manner, calming her. The older boy felt Seunghoon's stare and turned his head, finding Seunghoon's eyes almost immediately. He flinched and quickly looked down. He continued talking to the young girl, as Seunghoon looked at me with a star-struck face. When I followed him to find that little bundle of joy, I truly felt it.

 

A boom and trickle of massive firework in me, reminded me of a certain love of my life. The sight of the shy boy made me feel a calming warmth, close to home and good memories.

 

He was an angel. The first touch of his hand made my heart go mad. I felt like a small child, felt home when I can't put it into words yet. I shook his small hands and smiled.

"What's your name?" I asked.

 

He looked up at me and I saw the most beautiful pair of eyes. Sparkling and bright.

 

"Seungyoon," he whispered. My heart burst inside.

 

"How old are you, Seungyoonie?"

 

He bit his lip shyly and raise his hand, showing the number 4.

 

Such a perfect boy.

 

The one and only.

 

My son.

 

 

Year 2

 

"Dad!! Papa won't wake up for work!"

 

"Well, then sprinkle some water on his face, Seungyoon-ah.." I said with a slight chuckle, giving him a glass filled with tap water.

 

"Really?? Okay then," he said eagerly.

 

I laughed hearing Seunghoon's groan of misery. There were not much choice, he had an important meeting today and he said it himself that coming late was really not an option. Seungyoon came running down the stairs with loud gleeful laughter, followed by Seunghoon's tired limping lazy steps. I was already smiling before his hands reached my waist, circling it with a warm tight hold. A soft loving kiss on my cheek, a warm morning greeting.

 

"You're teaching our son some serious disobedience towards me, sir." He mumbles, still hazy in sleep. I laughed as I sprinkle some salt in the omelette on the pan.

 

"He gave you a kiss though, didn't he? That's not disobedience. Just tough love," I said.

 

He sniffed on my freshly showered shoulder, humming in pleasure "True, that one."

 

"Papa! Go take a bath, don't disturb dad!" Seungyoon pulls on Seunghoon's pants. Seunghoon let go of my waist and picked up Seungyoon to his chest.

 

"Seungyoon-ah, papa is very tired today.. am I allowed to skip work?" Seunghoon asked, faking a lamenting face. Seungyoon's face turned worried and sad. Seungyoon turns his head to me, eyes drooping.

 

"Dad, can papa do that?" Seungyoon asked.

 

"Ah, don't ask your dad.. just say yes and we can play around today, right?"

 

Seungyoon was in a massive dilemma and I slapped Seunghoon on his arm.

 

"Shut up and go take a bath," I said as I take Seungyoon away from his hold.

 

Seungyoon was peeking at the omelette from my shoulder when Seunghoon closed in and stole a kiss.

 

Home was not a building. Home was people for me.

 

 

 

Year 3

 

Seunghoon made him a huge double layered cake, drew his favorite superhero with icing on top of it. And a candle in the shape of 6 on the center. The moment he saw it, his beautiful clear eyes sparkled like Christmas lights. The sweet boy looked up at us as if we gave him the moon.

 

"Thank you so much!"

 

Later in the night, with the sunshine of our home deeply asleep on his happy dream, Seunghoon still marveled at the happiness Seungyoon's birthday brought.

 

"Did you see the way he smiled at our present? He liked it a lot. I chose the right thing, didn't I?"

"Yes, you did... are you that proud about it?" I jokingly said.

"You're just jealous he gave me an extra long hug because of that cake," Seunghoon said with a cocky smile. I snorted and looked at him in disbelief

"Excuse you? I almost broke my back trying to decor the living room and he said he loved it soooo much," I said, emphasizing the words until it sounded annoying.

"Whatever, he loves me more." Seunghoon mumbled childishly. I laughed and lay on my side to watch the face I love so much.

"You're so in love, Seunghoon-ssi." I whispered. He turned his head and looked at me still with the same gaze as the time we both stood at the altar.

 

"I am. From the very first sight," he whispered back. I smiled, leaned and locked his lips in a kiss, clinging to his body as he slips a hand under my shirt. I grip on his hair, making it hard enough to make him moan. I pushed him to lay on his back and climb him. Ground myself onto him, shameless and almost begging for love.

 

I wouldn't have been like this if it were someone else. Only this man. Mine.

 

"Love me," I whispered.

 

 

Year 4

 

"Thank you, papa," he said in a soft, weak voice.

 

Seunghoon smiled, planting a kiss on his forehead before leaving the room dark and quiet. Seungyoon coughed some more as Seunghoon walked down the stairs. He found me washing dishes and rested his forehead on my shoulder. He sighed tiredly and I tilted my head to softly tap his.

 

"It's been a week, let's go to the doctor again tomorrow." He whispered.

"Yeah, let's do that." I said, putting my hand atop his on the low of my belly "don't worry, he'll be alright."

"Yeah," he sighed "I can never get used to him getting sick,"

I washed my hand and rinsed it, turning my body to see his tired down face. I brought up a hand to stroke his cheek and smiled. Reassuring.

"Kids get sick sometimes, I'm sure it's nothing serious."

 

 

One doctor visit grew to a lab check. A lab check led to another one. My questions were always answered vaguely. They always said we need another check. It got exhausting and almost painful to see my son entering so many cold rooms with medical tools all around him. It's foreign and it's nothing nice for a child to get used to.

 

I can't even pronounce the name clear and easily at first. It was hereditary lung disease. The doctor tried explaining how it was not our fault. How there was a small chance of getting it, and that it was hard to detect. Who gives a damn about that, the only thing that mattered was would it hurt him? Can we help him? What should we do? Leaving the doctor's office I was light-headed. My steps were wobbly. I saw the floor coming closer and closer but a hand stopped my fall. Seunghoon called my name over and over but all I saw was darkness. When I came to, my life is not much different. I cried on Seunghoon's hold as he told me over and over that everything will be alright. Everything will be alright.

 

"We can do this. We'll get over it. Be strong for him, baby."

 

 

 

Year 5

 

I promised myself to dedicate into it. I'll study all about it, I won't miss a single fact and info. I read about it day and night, everytime I'm not by his side to smile and tell him he's doing great. My bedside used to be filled with a glass of water and mint candies. It turned into books, journals, everything about the disease.

 

"Papa, am I sick?" He asked once, trying hard not to cough. Seunghoon smiled and stroke his pale cheek.

"Yes, you are. But don't worry. The doctor already gave me the medicines to make you healthy again. So eat your medicines well, and soon you'll feel great. Okay, boy?"

The same promise I chanted over and over.

 

I felt horrible sometimes. For acting like I had everything under my hand when I can't really tell whether the treatments are working or not. His condition was very fluctuative, in a good day he can play around the house with zero coughings heard. On bad days, I felt like the sound of his breathing might be the last.

 

I always accompanied him to school, asked for the school's permission to keep an eye on him. It lasted only for a few months. Seungyoon couldn't handle the fatigue school brought. He needed to stop coming and it felt like I slapped him by my own hands when I said he'll stay at home for a while.

 

I tried to lie.

"It will only be for a while, Seungyoon-ah. As soon as you're healthy again, you'll get to see your friends, okay?"

He only nodded. Sometimes I felt like Seungyoon knew which one was a lie and which was not.

 

Seunghoon broke one night, crying on my chest with horrible sobs and trembling body.

"What's happening? How did this happen?" I hoped I could tell him the answer. Or at least tell him everything would be alright. But that night I couldn't lie anymore. So I stayed quiet as I stroke his back with a facade of calm.

 

"Let it all out," I whispered.

 

 

Year 6

 

Seungyoon got very emotional sometimes, and I was at lost on how to handle him. He would throw tantrum at the most random things and I wouldn't have been so worried if he were healthy. His body gets skinnier no matter how diligent we were trying to feed him multivitamins and meals with counted nutrition. He hated the weekly doctor check up so bad, it became a work itself to bring him there. I kept telling him I'm sorry. He once cried telling me he hated me.

 

Seunghoon got as stressed as I am. And we don't complement out worries so well anymore at that point. The small fights that got us ignoring each other for the rest of the day added every a few days.

 

He hasn't touched me for months and I don't feel like I had the right to ask. I almost forgot how his hands felt.

 

The first time I saw my son lose consciousness, was when he called me from the stairs. I walked from the kitchen with a bowl of soup on my hand and found him standing with eyes fluttering and white pale face.

 

"Dad... I feel--"

 

He fell forward and my whole world fell with him. The soup spread all over the floor, staining the carpet and the floor. I screamed Seunghoon's name like mad. Holding my son's limp powerless body on my arm.

 

Bad news. Bad news over and over again. Seungyoon had to stay at the hospital from then on, and I expected an angry burst from the boy. But no. He gave no response. Just a tired nod. A weak voice saying alright. One time after I cleaned his vomit from my hands and clothes, he whispered softly,

 

"Dad, I'm sorry."

 

I had to turn away from him and leave the room. I ran to the emergency exit and screamed. It hurts so much. My chest, my head. I brought my hand together and prayed to God. One that I kept saying my gratitude to.

 

"Let him live! Just take me! Why would you do that, he's just a child-- Just take me and give him the happiness he deserves, I'm begging you.." I sobbed. I sobbed and I cry like there is a knife stabbing me over and over.

A hospital staff heard me and came to pull my arms.

"Sir, please calm down,"

 

"Why would you do this to me??" I screamed at the top of my lungs.

 

Year -

 

6 years. 6 years and 4 months were all I got. My true happiness started and ended there. When it was close, the doctor gave him a strong painkiller. Tried to make it as smooth as possible. Seunghoon and I laid beside him, hands holding Seungyoon's now bony arm. Doctors said he might not respond, but he can still hear us. I can't remember much but I was sure we talked about his 6th birthday party. Talked about the huge cake he liked so much. Talked about the present he cherished for years after.

It was a costume. Astronaut's costume.

 

_"Papa, can I be an astronaut?" He asked once._

_"Of course you can. Why do you want to be one?"_

_"I want to go to other planets, find the prettiest one and make a house for you and Dad!"_

 

His body shook. His breathing was getting scarce.

 

"Baby-- remember the name of the planets in our galaxy? The ones we paint in your bedroom?" Seunghoon said, voice trembling.

 

"Let's name it one by one.. like we always do before you sleep. Okay? First.. is Mercury..."

 

A sharp, wet inhale.

 

"Then there's Venus and earth,"

 

A shaky exhale. And a single sudden jolt through his whole body. I tried to keep his body still, Seunghoon breaking in front of me.

 

"And Mars," I whispered.

 

Another long inhale.

 

"And Jupiter, then Saturn,"

 

A long pause and I felt a thousand needle pricked me.

 

"Uranus.." Seunghoon softly whispered. Face stained of red and tears.

 

It sounded like he choked. His body convulsed and it got hard to even hug him in place.

 

"And Neptune." Seunghoon said, planting a kiss on Seungyoon's forehead as a sickening wheeze blared the room. Choked breaths. His body jerked off the bed, eyes looking straight to the ceiling.

I pushed my face closer and kissed his cheek.

 

"I love you. I love you so much. I'm so sorry baby--"

 

A drop. His body sank to the bed like water. Eyes slightly opened, lips parted.

 

For years I kept saying, 'God help us all'. But the sight of my lifeless son made me erase the very core of my faith.

 

 

 

\----

 

 

The funeral was quiet. I barely felt a thing. When I saw the coffin for the first time, I said it's empty. That's not my son.

 

 

 

\----

 

Seunghoon turned into a quieter man. And somehow when he asked me if I was okay, I lied.

 

_"Yes. I'm okay."_

 

I've never lied like that before. I'd tell him anything. I'd tell him when I'm sad, angry, happy, embarrassed. But I said I was okay back then. Maybe it was because I still didn't understand what was going on. I didn't really know what losing a child meant.

 

Sometimes I'd wake up in the middle of the night finding Seunghoon not beside me. I'd look around the house like a lost person, and I'd always find him in Seungyoon's room. Sleeping on the floor, hugging the small astronaut's suit. I'd leave him like that.

 

I didn't know what to do.

 

I'd wake up in the morning and turn my head to find my husband already beside me again. I'd see his back more often then. Less his face. Never his smile. I'd close my eyes and pretend that I'm still asleep when he woke up, and he'd kiss my forehead without waking me up. He'd leave the bed cold again and I'll wake up an hour later. Somehow the thought of waking up together, looking into each other's eyes scared me.

 

Because then I'd realize how utterly messed up our lives were.

 

One day Seunghoon came home to a living room with a broken mirror. I threw it from the second floor after I saw myself. After I saw my face. And perhaps, a hint of the grief. I sat on the stairs, eyes zoned out. Seunghoon walked to me and held my face.

 

He's so warm. I miss him so much.

 

"I'm so sorry... Please, try and talk to me,"

 

I looked up at him and found his heartbroken, mourning face. I can't. I can't do this. I stepped away from him and locked myself in the bedroom. Screaming against the mattress until my throat hurts. When I let him in hours later, he was sitting in front of the door. Eyes swollen and red. I stare at him, trying to find the man I married years ago. But all I saw in his eyes were the reflection of me. Of me and how messed up I was.

 

"I can't.." I whispered. Painfully. My eyes felt heavy. I haven't cried in a while.

 

"I can't do this-" I whimpered, my hands ran to my face. I felt like my mind were about to burst and drip down to the floor, and my hand was trying to keep it all in. I feel a grip on both of my wrist and a shush.

 

"Make it stop," I sobbed. His strong hands moved my hands away and soon I met the warmth of his chest. It's been so long. I haven't felt his hold in so long.

 

I cry and cry against his chest. Sobbed and shouted, asking why. I held on him like a lifeline. Thinking if I hold him close enough, maybe I'll climb out of this place. Maybe I'll breathe through this suffocating water. Maybe, just maybe, I can live again.

 

I lay on my bed with his arms holding me close. I can hear his heartbeat on my ears.

 

I woke up in the morning alone. Cold and alone. I took slow steps to Seungyoon's room, hearing sounds of things getting moved around. I pushed the slightly open door, finding Seunghoon sitting in front of a huge box. He was putting Seungyoon's toy inside it.

 

"What are you doing?" I asked. I feel my mind going blank.

 

He looked at me and smiled.

"Good morning," he said.

"Lee Seunghoon what are you doing?" I asked, voice low and cold. He gazed at my figure on the doorway, eyes looking sad and bitter. He looked down at the box, putting more stuff in.

"Let's put this up for donation." He said.

I can't believe what I heard. I walked inside, finding more boxes already packed and ready to go. Seungyoon's bookshelf was empty. My head was spinning.

"What... What are you doing to Seungyoon's room? Why are you taking his stuff away?"

Seunghoon sighs, hands gripping on a rabbit doll.

"It won't be any good here, Jinwoo. We can make other kids happy instead."

"What about Seungyoon?" I muttered. I looked at him with sparks of angry red in my eyes. Seunghoon looked at me and rose from his spot. He took a deep breath and inhaled as he held both my shoulders.

"Baby, come on... Help me out, okay?" He said tiredly.

My heartbeat rose, my breathing went hot and quick.

"No. You don't have the right-"

"How long are we gonna be like this? You need to see things as it is, what good has denying it do to us?"

I looked away. I knew if I looked at him in the eye I'll fall deeper.

"Put it all back. I won't give it away." I said, trying to shy away from Seunghoon's hold.

"Please. Just listen to me. Give me a chance, okay? I'll make things better. Just let him go, Jinwoo. I'm begging you. Let our son go."

 

I didn't how I got the strength to push his hold away. Or perhaps it was just him, getting weaker at his own words. But I snap his hand away and slapped his face. I looked at him in disbelief, anger painting everything red in my eyes. Even him. When he turned his face, visibly hurt and in shock.

 

"Don't-" I trembled "don't you ever say that to me again."

 

He never slept beside me again. Nor Seungyoon's room. He'd sleep on the couch in the living room. Went to work before I wake up and came home when he thought I'm asleep. He'd check on me then sleep on the couch. We didn't talk. Hell, I don't even really see him.

 

I'd come to Seungyoon's room to change the bedcover and wash his clothes once every three days. All of it. Hang it on a sunny day, iron it nice and smooth. I'd put on Seungyoon's favorite cartoon on the TV and let it play as I work on my laptop.

 

I was alright. I was okay.

 

I woke up a little bit late, one Sunday. Heard the shower being put on. I looked at the sun bathing my bedroom and the empty half of my bed. It was cold, so cold. I ran a hand past my own face, then my chest, down to my belly, and stopped right before down under. I put my feet on the cold floor, walking slowly to the bathroom and strip myself naked in front of the door.

 

He looked surprised to see me. But he didn't walk away from my touch. He held me so tight, I almost suffocate. But it was alright. I was okay. He's warm. His touch felt strong and I feel lifted. He came inside me hard and bruising, I felt the warmth all over. Dripping out like an overly watered flower. He kissed me everywhere, and I got a bit nostalgic at his lips. I've had it everywhere. Later he spooned me, secured me in his chest. Pampered me with soft loving strokes on my skin. It's been so long.

 

"I love you," he whispered.

And I stood silenced. His grip on my hand tightened.

"Please," he sighed.

 

"Please say it back."

 

I couldn't. So he left me alone on the cold bed again. Cold and alone. Alone and confused. I didn't know what I'm feeling. It's like I've lost how to feel. How to give.

 

How can I give when I've lost everything?

 

He left like the wind. Leaving a single letter on my bedside.

 

‘I'm sorry, I can't.’

 

I didn't feel a thing. I put the letter deep between my clothes, acted as if I never saw it. Then a week later the lawyer. Came. Explaining to me so many things. And still, I couldn't feel a thing. It was just.. so cold.

 

Then a single piece of paper was my breakpoint. The word 'divorce' written like a death sentence. I bawled my eyes out, never realizing I can lose so much more. The lawyer tried to calm me down but her voice was nothing against the pain. Everything hurt. To see, to feel, to think; everything hurt me horrendously.

 

I realized God did not strip me off everything I had, I did it to myself.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry.  
> Swear at me on twitter @Alicelovecats  
> And the sequel (?) will be posted by Brawness, coming soon <3


End file.
